Forgiven, not forgotten

Everytime I went pass this road, the memory of the olden days came back to my head and made me feel as if I missed something. This used to be the way home. This used to lead me to my sanctuary. A place where I grew up and gathered all the joyful and sadness moments of my teenage years. This used to be my family house in Port Dickson.

I was born in Kajang, but raised in Port Dickson. As far as I know, on my father's side, we do not have any relatives living close to us, except for my uncle who came all the way from Penang with his family to start a living here. But things aren't always nice to look at. Sometimes when envy and selfishness filled our heart, we could turn into monsters without feelings. No mercy. I don't wish to relate here what happened about more than 20 years ago when I was still a teenager. But sufficient to mention here that the feud between both family (or more accurately, the fight between brothers --> my father and my uncle) was so powerful, its impact was disastrous. It torn both family apart and resulted in as if we were living amongst strangers. They were my close relatives. We were supposed to look after each other and to protect every family members from outside danger. But what happened was the opposite. Anger, jealousy, envy and hatred for each other filled their lungs everyday, but none of these feelings were shown openly because my father was sick.

In 1997, on the day my father passed away, thruth revealed its painful colours of black and ashy grey. My mother was blamed for his death, accusations were thrown at her face. My siblings were also treated badly. I couldn't believe my sister when she said our cousin threatened to kill her one day. The other also warned he will burn my family alive...For God's sake, what has got into their heads?


Because warnings after warnings, threats after threats kept flooding my family, we decided to move out from Port Dickson and seek for new place we could call home. Soon my brothers started to become disoriented. They skipped school and spent a lot of time trying to figure out what they've lost and became scattered everywhere. My sisters also quit schools to search for jobs, to earn for a living. My mother started becoming dreamy, she used to talk alone, sometimes cried quietly and sometimes just let herself lost in deep trance.


I cried when my sister told me of these nightmares. I was not there when such bad situations befallen them. I was in the UK, struggling hard to finish my degree. I wish I could turn back time so that I could protect my family, especially my mother, from these monsters.


The year when I was expecting my first child, I heard the news that my uncle passed away. That was 2 years after the loss of my father. I went to visit my uncle's grave which is very much close to my father's. For as long as I can remember, I didn't do what people would normally do at the grave, reciting surahs and doas for the demised ones. I was standing straight and staring blankly at the tombstone. The only thing uttered from my mouth was...

"I will never forgive you!"

It was painful to have said that but that's the fact.

This year, 2009, marked the 12th years I lost my father. During the last visit to his grave, I felt calm and peaceful. I have managed to compose my emotions nicely. Probably because of all the tests God had given me earlier during the year, I am much stronger now. (How fragile was I all this while?). As I passed the grave of my uncle on the way back, I stopped and stood still and stared again at his grave. For how long I was in that position, I didn't know, but in my heart, I pity him for what I have vowed 10 years ago here at the very same spot. How was he doing in there? Was he tortured badly for what he had sinned? What if we really really will never forgive him forever?

I bent down and touched the tombstone in front of me.

"O Allah, today I open my heart willingly and forgive this man for all his wrongdoing towards my family. I pray you spare some mercy on him and let him rest in peace now".

Looking back at what happened to my family, we would have been much happier in life had he not done what he had done. Damages, though now repaired and concealed, took time to be accepted. Regrets remain, but what is past, is past. There's nothing we can do about it now.

Dear PakNgah, you're now forgiven, but will never be forgotten. May Allah bless your soul and protect you from the fire of hell. Amin.